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Dreams, Thoughts, and other mishaps
 
Friday, February 28, 2003  
Spring break just started! I'm back home now, Unfortuantely I dont feel all that well because I was out drinking last night. This morning I tought my dance class. I actually think it went pretty well even though we got off to a late start. I was supposed to go out with amber tonight but things wern't werking out with that and since I didn't feel well I got a raincheck on that untill tommarow night. I'm looking forward to a week of relaxing, and chillin with peoples. :) :) :)
On a side note I'm kinda baffeled. Someone whom I have had some problems with lately has started to be nice to me for no apparent reason. I'm not sure if it's that they actually feel bad for things and are trying to make up for it. Or if they are trying to fill up some space because they are lonely. I'm hopeing for the previous one, but regardless things cannot go back to the way they used to be.
Anywhey I think i'm going to to try to go to bed shortly. Hopefully i'll be all rested for a fun night tommarow ttyl

8:59 PM

Sunday, February 23, 2003  
After comming home from a wonderful weekend I arived to a somewhat trashed house, as to be expected. However, taking precautionary measures to ensure that my space was not invaded proved to be a failure. My three roomates allowed people to come into my room and leave cigarette butts everywhere, tear down my lights, and use the food I had taken out of the kitchen and put into my bedroom. That is extreemly disrespectful. I would never have allowed people into one of my roomates bedrooms if they were not home during a party. It's rather obvious from this weekend that my roomates have no respect for me, and quite frankly I have just lost all respect for them as well. If they cared about me at all they wouldn't have let that happen. Their response was that they didn't do it other people did, therefore they shouldn't be held accountable for it. That is an extreemly immature reaction. They were accountable, because it's their house as well, not to mention their party. If they replace what is missing I can overlook this incedent, although I will still not have much respect for them at all. I just cant wait untill this year is over. The only reason my one roomate is living with us is because the two of us felt bad his origonal plans fell through, so we thought we would be nice, even after both of us stating we dont want to live with him. Damn that nice side of me.
1:05 PM

 
I just got back from a date, I'm surprized I remembered what one of those was like. He seems like a really great guy, cute, fun, smart... I'm just hoping that things work out and I dont end up fucking this over. This weekend has definately been interesting and I'm really glad that I came to pgh. Theres a party going on at my house at IUP at the moment. I really could care less as long as they dont touch my stuph. I didn't realize untill just now that I came up here this weekend to visit a friend for her 21st birthday completely ignoring somebody who used to be my friend. The odd thing is that I'm happy that I did that because the friend I came to visit is a much better person. :) I'm really content right now, and a large part of that is due to my night tonight. I just hope that I dont push him away before I get to know him. Well, I'm off to visit the sugar plum fairies dancing in my head. :)
12:56 AM

Friday, February 21, 2003  
I'm kinda feeling down right now, and i'm not sure why. I just came from a party that was busted by the cops. I was really hoping to see amber because she was pretty much the main reason I came to pgh this weekend, but she wasn't there. I dont blame her. I would have been in a bar too on my 21st, hell, I was. So, now i'm back home wishing I was drunk and that I had someone to cuddle with. Oddly enough I was told I looked very str8 tonight by a couple of people. I didn't even try. I guess over all I'm just kinda sad that I dont have any friends that I'm really close too. The only person I was starting to feel really close to is now in florida, and who knows whats going to happen when he comes back to pgh. I just watched american beauty tonight. Thats basically what I feel like concerning IUP and everything associated with it. I know what I need to do to succeed at certain things. However, the things I'm supposed to succeed in, are not the things I neccessarily want. All I really want are close friends, lots of love and fun in my life, and at least enough money to get by. As long as I have friends who care about me and that I care about I couldn't be happier. I guess i'm just jaded.
On a more intellectual note, I found out dolly died today, the cloned sheep from a few years ago. Apparently there was a problem with premature ageing, there is a mass concern that this means cloning is a failure. There are many possibilites. I just found that interesting. Anywhey I really dont feel like typing much more at the moment so I think I'm going to watch a movie and hope that I fall asleep sometime soon.

10:54 PM

Wednesday, February 19, 2003  
Hey all, I'm not looking forward for the next couple of days because I have a couple of long days comming up. Although, this weekend is going to be fun for me. I just found out today that my car might not get fixed untill saturday so I'm still looking for a way to get to shawns party. I really want to see amber for her 21st. Aside from that I have a date one saturday night which I'm kinda hoping goes well. Tommarow I get to go to a maple tree far and the Homer City power plant. But that means I have to get up at 8 am both tommarow nad friday in order to do everything thats planed. Well my shake 'n bake is almost done so I'm going to get my dinner.
8:19 PM

Tuesday, February 18, 2003  
Today has been an interesting day. I just got back from the Philosophy meeting where we watched Minority Report. It was a good movie but something happened that really made me happy. We were discussing determinism and someone in the class drew a diagram on the board and was trying to make a relation between the movie and the concept of freewill. After they had given thier shpiel on it I made the comment "Didn't you just draw a straight line croked?" At this point Mary froze like a deer in headlights and then said "This is why me and eric often question if your a genius." I didn't know what to say. I feel so good about myself because of this and it really makes me feel like I am in the right major. Even though my grades may not be the best, I attribute that to my writing style. If you havn't noticed I'm extreemly bad with grammar. I look forward to the next meeting.
Aside from all that I spoked with a memeber of the computer science department today. I found out that Its a possibility that I can graduate from IUP with a dance minor, a computer science minor, and a philosophy major. However, to do this I need to stay at IUP for another semester which I'm not to happy about. I also found out that I might be required to take my last 15 credtis at IUP in order to graduate from here. This isn't the new that I exactly wanted to hear but If it means that I will be able to add two more things to my degree, it might be worth it. I just hope I can deal with the lamness of this hicktown one more semester.
I'm also working towards getting my car fixed which isn't fun times. I think I'm going to head home for the weekend and visit amber. I'm hopeing that my car doesn't cost me that much. It's kind of unbearable to drive without heat. Not only is this weekend ambers 21st birthday, shawn is having a party. It would be so great to see everyone again. Hopefully sam will be back. I havn't seen him in a long time. Also I might end up making a side trip this weekend because I met some kid online that seems pretty decent. So all in all this weekend should be a really good one if I get my car fixed :) as for now, I'm going to watch some tv and relax.

8:48 PM

Monday, February 17, 2003  
I watch disney a lot, usually if I have my television on it's tuned into disney. This has taught me one thing, Disney is not the wholesome programing it's supposed to be. The only time they have a wholesome program airing is bettween the hours of liek 5 am and 7 am. These consists of things like whinnie the pooh, dora the explorer, and rollie pollie ollie. All of thier other shows, with real actors might I add, all contain a blatant sexual overtone. Every actor is either extreemly good looking, or has a grossly exagerated physical or mental deformation. There is not one normal person on there, as if normal were a specific set of traits. Not to mention thier programing is full of one sexual overtone after another, which granted would more than likely not be understood by someone under the age of eight. Disneys target audience in my opinon would be from 3 to 18, hell I even watch it. My message for all this, parents who let thier children watch disney without monitoring what they are watching, and care about sensorship, are fools. This obviously leads into the topid if tv models life or if life models tv. This is an age old debate which I dont intend to discuss at the moment. However, without much thought given I would say both play a fairly good role in each. Just food for thought...
5:48 PM

Sunday, February 16, 2003  
I was recently speaking to somebody online, who is bisexual, and they are not out. I questioned if he was ashamed of being gay, his reply was that it is shamefull in his faith. I didn't feel like getting into an argument especially one that has no justification for support on his end, so I just said that I hope he finds true happiness. This really upset me. A few thoughts ran through my head when he said this. Does this mean that he looks down upon me because I'm openly gay? Furthermore, It made me curious as to if this person was capable of having origonal thoughts. It was obvious that he is intelligent because of his schooling background, Yet this issue still perplexed me. Why then would anyone so strongly adhere and belive in thier faith, if it condemns themself. especially when there is no proff saying that thier faith is or is not the true one way, if there is such a thing. It seems that the only answers I could come up with is that certain religions are engrained into our society so deeply that certain people cannot excape them. It seems that a religion engrained into society so deeply could possibly also be utilizing scare tactics to hold it's members, for example, your condemened since the begining of your life, (origonal sin) I dont claim to know the entirety of all relgions, but I honestly cannot accept something that someone tells me without personal experiance of it. Does that mean I dont belive in god? No, quite the opposite, I'm a very spiritual person. If anyone has an answer to this dillemma please talk to me about it.
5:01 PM

 
I just got back from two different parties and had a really interesting time. The first party I went not expecting to know anyone and it turns out that I knew a lot of people. Not to mention that someone that Ive had a crush on since the begining of last semester. He told me that I should have acted sooner. I dont know exactly what that means but I'm guessing it means I would have had a pretty good chance with him and thats kinda depressing. I guess I really should be more confident in myself. I'm happy for him though, hes a good kid and he's happy so... Although sometimes you just have to be selfish. Then at the second party I also had a blast. I showed up after most of the people left, But I met a lot of interesting people anywhey. Although it was interesting because someone at the party told me that another certain someone that I have been quareling with would be upset at me "if they only knew" so they said... My response was what the fuck do I care. They are an arrogant asshole and they do not dictate my life. furthermore I was invited to the party and dont need aproval by anyone in my life to live how I want to. It's just that sort of bullshit that makes me feel like I have further claim to stating what I did in my second entry.
Meanwhile back at the first party I constantly had people telling me that I was gorgeous and they wished I was str8, and that I had style. I really needed to hear that because I question that. I feel theres no real reason for my to even try out here and I just let a certain someone walk all over me and pretend they are queen of IUP. Well typically I dont care because being Queen of IUP isn't a title I would be proud of, let alone impressed by. As of lately however, Ive realized I need to stand firm to my belifes and stick up for myself. I am special damnit... and just because someone I thought was my friend shoots me down at every chance they get doesn't mean that I'm not. It just means a person who I found to be a very special person at one time has changed into a person who isn't worthy of much and exploits his life out of self hatred.
As for now, I'm on my way to eat some ramen and go to bed because I work tommarow. I'm kinda hoping someone from one of those parties shows up in my lab because they have the last few times Ive worked and I thought they were pretty cute. Although in All honesty, I just want to find a nice boi to settle down with and right now, I have a certain someone in mind. Its just ashame they are so far away, yet so close... but thats something for another time... nyte all

1:42 AM

Friday, February 14, 2003  
Happy Singles awareness day, or VD for you lovers. Nothing to major to write about. I'm kinda taking this day and using it to relax and recoperate from last night. I went out to pegs and probably had about 20 or more shots. It was great though because I got to see heidi and amber, as well as many other people. It was totally worth it even though I think I was still drunk when I went to my dance class this morning. Tommarow night I'm looking forward to a few different parties. Maybe I will continue to work on my web page tonight and get this journal finally up on it, or even work ahead on homework. Haha, me be productive, maybe not.
I just hear a helicopter go over my house and it kinda scared me although, I think it was a life flight from the hospital. Random sidenote I guess but, you'll get that a lot with me. My thought patterns are quite random and include many jumps randomly. I think it's kinda fun though. Anywhey, Its off to go watch Buffy and then Romeo and Juliet. Have a good holiday

4:22 PM

Wednesday, February 12, 2003  
Philosophy isn't just one of those fun courses you take in college and forget about. To me it's a way of life. If you take philosophy seriously there are a lot of questions that may arise about your worldly views, let alone your ethics, however equally important. To me philosophical issues are ones that I cannot help but to ponder. Weather it be something like if a machine could actually be a human, the difference between good and evil, or if good is actually good, or even the concept of free will. I cant exactly say what I will do with a philosophy degree but it's something I'm proud to have because it has taught me how to analyze abstract concepts and find some coherancy within the non-sensacle. I know for certain that philosophy will always be a part of my life, because it aids me in finding out who I am. I'll be sad to leave some of my philosophy courses here at IUP. I will leave with the hope that I will not only explore philosophical issues in the future, but explore them with others as well.
Some people say that philosophy and religion shouldn't be intermixed. They do so as to not ofend certain people, and because individuals cannot ascribe to a certain view point when others hold an opposing view. One major reasoning is because there simply is no empiricle data to justify the means of these belifes. However, for me, philosophy has helped further my spiritual belifes. My spiritual belifes are not simple, and connot be explained in a small paragrah, but I find that as I explore the world through philosophy, it opens up possibilities, ideologies, and understandings in me which I havn't previously explored, and for this I am greatful.
Okay so I have to make an adendum. I was in my philosophy course today and I mentioned a few points that my teacher was going to bring up next. eventually he turned to me and asked me if I wanted to teach the course. I was flabergasted. That was probably the best compliment I have ever recieved here during my time at IUP. The teacher that said this to me is one of the most respected teachers on the philosophy staff here at IUP, and is extreemly intelligent. I love going to his lectures because it is difficult not to come out with your head feeling like it was just pulled out of a blender. Furthermore, last semester his wife, who is equally as intelligent, gave me a compliment as well. I had brought up a point in class and she said that if I had thought of it a few years prior and published it that I could really have made a name for myself. This makes me wonder if I should really go on with my philosophy degree get my doctoral degree and become a professor.

1:25 PM

Tuesday, February 11, 2003  
You give somebody an inch and they really will take a foot. Well sometimes you need to take that foot back and put it down. Theres a thin line between being nice and being a doormat. I know that sometimes I can intentionally become that, unfortunately willingly and fully conscious of what i'm doing. It's a trait of mine that I really dont care for and am trying to rid myself of. However, In the process of doing so I am afraid that I may also have to rid myself of the people I let treat me like that. It's not worth it though. Besides, if somebody is treating me like that I have to rationally question how good of a friend to me they are in the first place. In one example that jumps to my mind, I would have to say not a very good one.
Aside from that little rant my day was actually fun. I went to a small D & B get together in the hub today where I ran into many people I havn't seen in a long while. I had a really good time and I'm so happy because I got to see my friend Jess who I havn't seen in ages. I miss her a lot shes a really special girl with many talents and gifts. I wish the best for her even though we dont always talk that much.
Aside from that I'm hoping that nothing to drastic develops in the Middle east or here for that matter. It's kinda scary to think of everything that Is happening. My generation has never had to deal with something of this magnitude, especially so close to home. I wish everyone the best of luck, and saftey. It's funny to think that we have been refered to as the new age of hippies, or done so by some people I know at least. Nobody wants fighting, however it's also important to point out not many of the people of our generation are versed well in poli sci.

10:49 PM

 
You give somebody an inch and they really will take a foot. Well sometimes you need to take that foot back and put it down. Theres a thin line between being nice and being a doormat. I know that sometimes I can intentionally become that, unfortunately willingly and fully conscious of what i'm doing. It's a trait of mine that I really dont care for and am trying to rid myself of. However, In the process of doing so I am afraid that I may also have to rid myself of the people I let treat me like that. It's not worth it though. Besides, if somebody is treating me like that I have to rationally question how good of a friend to me they are in the first place. In one example that jumps to my mind, I would have to say not a very good one.
Aside from that little rant my day was actually fun. I went to a small D & B get together in the hub today where I ran into many people I havn't seen in a long while. I had a really good time and I'm so happy because I got to see my friend Jess who I havn't seen in ages. I miss her a lot shes a really special girl with many talents and gifts. I wish the best for her even though we dont always talk that much.
Aside from that I'm hoping that nothing to drastic develops in the Middle east or here for that matter. It's kinda scary to think of everything that Is happening. My generation has never had to deal with something of this magnitude, especially so close to home. I wish everyone the best of luck, and saftey. It's funny to think that we have been refered to as the new age of hippies, or done so by some people I know at least. Nobody wants fighting, however it's also important to point out not many of the people of our generation are versed well in poli sci.

10:49 PM

Monday, February 10, 2003  
In my life I find there are certain things that I try to strive for or look for. Although while being in Indiana I have found these goals to have met many obsticles. For starters I'm a city boi, and I'm living in Hicktown USA. I have met many interesting people through this process and I have changed; some for the better, and some for the worse. I have recently met somebody who accused me of being childish and Immoral because of a mere thoughless statment. It bothered me at first because I dont consider myself to posses either of these qualities. However, after further evaluation I have realized that I should not be ashamed of holding the feelings and thoughts which I do. Furthermore, the person of which I am speaking would not even hear me out, and I have decided to discontinue my friendship with that person. I can not tollerate somebody so closeminded in my life. I wont acept closemindedness for myself, why should I let my friends be closeminded.
Aside from Closemindedness, there is another person in my life whom I have recently discovered to be exceedingly pessimistic. I have always valued the judgement of this individual. I guess this means i'm growing as a person because I have come to see, and acept, that this person never has anything positive to say unless it directly benifits themself. It leaves me completely bewildered how anyone can't see right through this sharade. Then again I have to remindmyself that I didn't completely see through it either. I think one possible explanation is that they are in pain themselfs. As the saying goes misery loves company so, maybe if they can make other people feel bad they wont feel so alone. I could be completely mistaken. Unfortunately, once again I have realize that just like a person who is so closeminded that they wont even discuss a possible situation, I am not certain I can be friends with someone so thoughless and pessimistic. I'm willing to pull a lot of weight for my friends, but they have to at least hand me the rope. I hope that things work out between us, but I know they wont if something doesn't change.
I know this is a longer entry but it's my first one and I have had a lot on my mind lately. My parents were recently in court and my dad asked my mother if I was gay. It kinda took me by surprize, as well as my mother I guess. She told him that I was, and conveyed to me that he didn't appear to be to upset, or surprized. I'm not to woried about it even though it's playing a lot on my mind. I mean the worst that could happen is that he tries to disown me or something. You can't miss something that youve never had from the start. Maybe now It'll make things more comftorble It pretty much depends on him. I'm not sure why I even talk to him anymore because most of the time he's more of a headache then anything else. Something just tells me it's the right thing to do.
Lastly, Valentines day is comming up, of course I had to mention something about that. At one point in my life I had the most wonderful feeling of love for someone. Ive dated around a little bit since then, but it's rather saddening because the longer I go on the more I wonder if I've lost the ability to love somebody. Maybe I just hit gold and now I'm spoiled for what I had. Partially I think that its because of my location. IUP doesn't hold that many great opportunity for the type of person I'm looking for. Although, every now and again I'll find somebody that I think is a really wonderful guy. Something always just seems to get in the way.
Thanx for reading this if you actually stuck with it the whole saga through. I'll try to keep up writing but it's a difficult tast not to try to be slanderous or spread gossip. If that happens, sorry guys. Peace out, luv ya all
-Mikey

7:34 PM

 
Hey all,
This is my first Blog. This is just my little corner of the universe to buillshit about anything I want. I will try to respect people in my life by not using thier real names at times where judgement may be questionable. I hope you have fun, and enjoy my site.
-Mikey

7:06 PM

 
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