''Give every man they ear, but few thy voice'' - Hamlet

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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

Dreams, Thoughts, and other mishaps
Sunday, March 30, 2003  
hey all,
Well we had our second party in our apartment last night when It was busted by the cops for noise violation. That wasn't so bad, but I'm wondering who did it considering they asked for my roomate by name. Aside from that I'm really happy because ryan came over and he's so sweet. Things are going really well with that and I hope they continue down that path. :) He makes me happy. Work was boring as usual today but thats just part of life. I'm happy that this last big week of homework assignments seems to be simmering down, not to mention I'm getting along with my roomates a lot better which I'm enjoying. I just hope the rest of the year pans out as well :)

7:40 PM

Thursday, March 27, 2003  
Lately I have had a lot on my mind. This is the time of the semester when projects and papers start to pick up. This has it's advantages and disadvantages. It's keeping my mind off certain things, like being here. However, at the same time it's a lot of stress. I'll just be glad when this semester is over. I only have one more semester here and It looks like I will be graduating with a Philosophy major, Dance minor, and Comp sci minor. Aside from that for some reason things here at my house have gotten easier lately. Its making me think about a lot of different things. I just wish I wasn't so damned depressed here. That is the reason that ive eaten so much lately, I just dont have anything else to do because I hate this town so much. I'm hoping that changes soon. Especially now since I have met someone. Of course I'm probably just giving my hopes up because things dont usually work out for me, but I'm excited. I really could deal with having a nice bf in my life and right now theres a certain someone I'm thinking about. He seems like a really great guy, but time will tell. I just wanna curl up with him right now and fall asleep. Anywhey, on to the next topic. My mom apparently bought a car tonight and shes giving her other car to my brother. It bothers me a little bit because i'm stuck with a piece of shit, but shes has helped me with the repairs. ....now a 180.... I talked to my dad for the first time since before x mass. what a lousey bastard. He didn't say anything about me being gay. Although I'm starting to get the impression he really doesn't care again. I dont know why I do. I'm going off to bed and going to try to get a good nyte of sleep before my spanish test tomamrow
10:35 PM

Sunday, March 23, 2003  
I'm at work right now, bore out of my gourd. There are a couple of things that have been on my mind lately. First off I was watching an episode of charmed, my fav show, and they were speaking about the different kind of sins. They said that pride is the only one that couldn't be defeated with a selfless act. Thier conclusion was that ultimately any action done, even one to seemingly benifit others is ultimiately done to make the self look good, or builds up that persons ego. This seems to be a byproduct of actions. The only way to get around this would be to fail at an action and take the blame. I just found it interesting that they focused on that. The second thing that I wanted to talk about was my fieldtrip on friday to the flood museam in Johnstown. It was such a horrific catastrophy that I cant get it out of my mind. 2209 people died in 1889 when the south fork earthen damn broke. I never realized how much of a disaster it was. It something that keeps going through my mind because I never really never thought about before I went there. Ide reccomend people going, even though it's not that big of a museam it's extreemly interesting.
On a more personal note, I went on a date with someone last night. It was our second date and it turned out to be really kewl. It seems that we have a lot of things in common and i'm curious as to what is going to develop. At the very least I would like to be friends. :) well i'm going to try to work on my resarch report a little more.

3:54 PM

Tuesday, March 18, 2003  
Meditation... Holy or Hoax?
I just got back from seeing a fahkir. A fahkir is someone, usually muslim, who admonishes thier material nature. A more commonly known Idea is a sword swallower, or a person who walks on hot coals. The demonstration was really interesting, and at the same time a little unsettleing. Zamora, the torture king has apeared on many telivision shows such as rippleys belvie it or not, and he does a show twice a week in vegas. It's amazing how he can subject himself to such pain. He claims to focus on something other than the pain. "If your not thinking about the self, the self cant feel pain" I personally belive that the mind holds many mysteries and wonders. Meditation is something I hope that I can experiance more than I already do.
Aside from that I'm getting ready to write a resarch paper on cloneing. So be prepared for an entry based on that.

6:45 PM

Saturday, March 15, 2003  
I just got back from the gym, and meditating. I'm really glad I didn't do that. I didn't go buy a pack of cig's either. I'm still looking for something to do tonight but I'm a little more settled down than I was before. While I was running I had an epiphany. I really dont let people in emotionally speaking. I really do have such a large wall built up because of how much I have been hurt. It's not that I dont want to let people in, in actually it's just the opposite, Ide love to. I guess thats my main struggle in life right now.
*shes so lucky. Shes a star, but she cries cries cries in her lonely heart. If theres nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night*

(Britney really does have some good lyrics ;) )

5:09 PM

For some reason I'm feeling kinda down right now. Its a beautiful day and I love that. I guess that I just wish that I had friends to spend it with, and something exciting to do. Theres a few people who I really enjoy here at IUP. Yes, I did actually just say that, but still, theres is a lot that is missing. It's the little things like just chilling with a group of people and bsing and doing nothing that I miss. It just seems that every time people get together around here there is always some form of inebriation going on. I have alwyas felt that one of the most important things in life are your friends. Shrugs, I'm going to pgh tommarow to go to this gay sk8 thing. Supposedly it's going to be a lot of fun. I hope it is, who knows maybe I'll meet a nice boi for once. I really feel like buying a pack of cigarretts at the moment. I miss the whole feel and socialness of smoking. Its just the physical side effects I dont like. Hmmm... maybe I'll go to the gym for a few and run instead. I havn't been there in two days because I pulled my back thursday. THAT SUCKED! I couldn't lift 5 lbs or even walk. well I'm outties
3:01 PM

Thursday, March 13, 2003  
well ive had an interesting day today. After my class I picked up my bookbag and ended up pulling my back muscles and i couldn't even lift 5 lbs. Thankfully sarah came over and gave me a back rub. Even after telling my roomates what happened nobody even asked me if I was okay. That just goes to show how much I hate it here and hate them. It's not that I hate them, I dont, I just dont like them.
So The night starts winding down. I went to see some monk do some guided meditation thing. I come back home and when I'm taking a shower zach walks in on me. Probably becasuse he was high, as his usual excuse. So now i'm going to go lay in my bed... maybe meditate some more. I rearanged my room and I like it a lot more so I'm happy.

10:15 PM

Tuesday, March 11, 2003  
Apparently my last entry didn't take because the entire thing is missing. To quickly recap, I had a wonderful spring break thanks to everyone. I'm really glad I got to meet a ton of people and see a lot of friends, Including julie, rea, and amber :) thanx guys.
So Now I'm back in this hellish world of IUP and this Hellish apartment. Already I started geting into a slight argument with mr perfect. Multiple times he's raised his voice to me or given me aditude. The anoying, odd, whatever you want to call it, thing that happened over break though was he said that he doesn't like arguing with me and he thought I hated him. I told him I dont hate him because it takes a lot for me to feel hatred towards someone. Extreem disgust would be more apropriate. The only reason I'm nice to him is because I have to live with him and the less stress the better. I could be a total asshole and pull some real stunts, as I probably rightly deserve to do, but I wont and cant. Everything I've said still stands with him and it's just anoying. I told him I really didn't feel like talking about anything that was happening between us and he agreed. However, the reason that I did so is because we have talked and in those talks he has told me that he is unwilling to change or do anything, nor have those talks proved usefull. I dont know if we would even be friends if I didn't live with him. Actually the answer to that would probably be no. Back to the previous thought though, another reason why I didn't want to talk to him was because he probably thinks I'm upset that hes been sleeping with a friend of mine. Thats only part of it. I dont think he realizes I dislike him as mentioned in an earlier entry.
Aside from that I'm looking forward to getting out of IUP for this year. I only have about 5 more weeks WHOO HOO. Then i'll be able to go back to happy people and friendly faces :) see ya soon guys

11:08 PM

Sunday, March 02, 2003  
Tonight must have been a full moon. First I went out with Amber and had a great time. I ran into my old friend Dave, and even met a few new people. I'm really glad that I got to spend some QT with Amber because she seems like a great gurl. Ide say more about the earlier part of my night but i'm kinda pissed right now so here goes....
Someone I was quarelling with for a while brought up tonight that we havn't been getting along. It's the first time that anything of the sort was mentioned. They apparently thought I hated them, which I dont. I like it a lot better when we get along. Apparently this person thinks that there is one specific reason we are not getting along, thats so not true. I just told them I didn't want to talk about it. I dont, and specifically because talking about it wont resolve anything. In four words.... been there done that.
On to next topic... So I went on a date a week ago which turned out to be pretty decent. Apparently I'm just not supposed to date anyone. Everything happsn for a reason i guess. So anywhey, this kid tells me that he's now dating his ex. Its nothing I can really blame him for. Hell he didn't dick me around, I'm just the stupid asshole that was kinda thinking it could actually work out.. I only like boys who abuse me somehow, or that I cant have for one reason or another. Shrugs, I'm going to go to bed and curl up with my little stuphed bear... bye guys.

12:52 AM

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