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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

Dreams, Thoughts, and other mishaps
Wednesday, April 30, 2003  
Life often plays cruel tricks on us. You are almost so certain of something logically and life has a way of taking it from you. Sometimes to test us, sometimes to teach. I am forced to belive that things will work out for the best. Although, it seems like I am constantly being tested. Perhaps it is just my karma comming back at me for some awful thing I have done in a previous life. sigh.... I will not go into more detail at this time.

So I guess i'm officially 22 now. It's thursday and my birthday. I guess I should be happy but for some reason I feel like crying. Ive been told it's a bad omen to cry on your birthday because it means you will have a bad year so I'm not going to. I think I'm going to meditate before bed now that I am back home my energies are more in tune. yey :)

Just fyi... there are two people that I am intersted in... both of which I recieved a feeling from tonight that neither are going to work... fun times eh. but on a positive note my psychic powers are growing in strength. Ive been able to see things more clearely as shown to me today when I took my mom to bingo :) yey! anywhey i'm outies

11:57 PM

Monday, April 28, 2003  
I think billy ray marting sums it up best.... "How will I be when fools rush in? I want to fall in love again. I want to run back to the place where I belive the monster is. I want to lay my soul there. I want to lead to nowhere, and when it's over will there be a next chance?" -Fools Rush In

I'm Packing up all my stuff right now so that I can go home to Pittsburgh and it's almost saddening because people I have spent most of my college days with are graduating. Theres a good chance that I may not ever see them again. I will definately miss those day when we partied all through the night and skipped class like irresponsible freshman. I certainly hope there is a next chance. I know that I'm going to look back on these days and wish that I could revisit even my most unhappy moment here for a while. I may not show it or say it but I love you guys so much. I do hope that we keep in touch because I want to know what going to happen with you later in life.
Zach- it's been rough these last three years I dont think I'll ever forget those five words you first spoke to me "Lets keep it that way" I'm glad we didn't keep it that way. I have gain so many expieriances from you and I really do value your friendship. I know that we have grown apart in the last year but I really hope that we can still be friends and talk on a regular basis. You really mean a lot to me, probably more than you can ever know. I'm sorry for fighting with you so much. I wish you well and I love you.
Sarah- You are one of the most beautiful people I have met. You always have a fresh way of looking at things, an openmind, and a good sense of fun. I dont know what I would have done without you. I feel that I have really made a strong bond with you and I really hope that we dont loose touch. Theres so much more in life I want to experiance with you. I hope that someday soon that you and I make it out to cali and build a lives for ourself. You have such a good head on your shoulders and I know you will go far in life no matter what you do. I love you and I will NEVER forget you.
Marie- We started this year off to a rocky begining but I'm glad it ended on a smoother note. You'll be here next year and I expect to party with you. I'm not done with you yet. I think living apart from each other might help resolve some of our conflicts Who knows maybe well even talk over the summer like we did last year. You always have a friend in me even if you dont see it sometimes. Thank you for trying to open me up. Especially that night that you strattled me on our kitchen table. You have a lot of potential and I wish you the best. Luv ya babe

Okay, I need to go wash my face off now because I'm really crying. It doesn't happen often but I'm going to miss everyone a lot. Have a crazy and wild summer and think of me

4:17 PM

Today has been an interesting day. I just realized I can go home if I wanted to tommarow although that Is going to be a lot on me so I think i'm waiting untill tuesday... possibly wednesday if I feel like something is going on and I wont spend another night alone in my room. Tommarow is my last and only real final. Thankfully although I should be in bed at the moment sleeping because it's about 3 am. Sam came home today and called me tonight. It was really nice talking to him although I can tell he's changed a lot. My guess is mostly for the best. I'm really glad to have him back. I hope that we hang out a lot this summer. I talked to him about going to pegs on thursday, although I didn't mention it was also my birthday. He said that hes probably not going. I'm hoping this is just a prank on me because I was really hoping that he would be there. Although if not I understand... shrugs. Well I'm off to bed now and hopefully a productive monday.
12:03 AM

Saturday, April 26, 2003  
I just back from the Rusted Root concert. I really enjoyed it. The atmosphere was really lax although one thing that I wish would have been different is the lack of alcohol. It's amazing what music can really do to somebody and how it can move somebody so much. It almost seems to react as a certain harmonic with the soul. I think I want to explore some more groups and authors as far as altering my style. There is a poem by Jack Keroack that JJ used to to adore and I dont remember what it was, but if someone I care about that closely really enjoyed it maybe I will too. I'm also feeling very content right now because I ended up goign to the concert alone. I figured nobody from IUP that I know would want to go out there with me, I saw a few people that I knew which was refreshing but I also got hit on by some girls I didn't know and talked to some strangers :) I guess it doesn't pay off all the time to be as versitle as me because you can find yourself very lonely at times. Although, I did have a really fun time so I cant complain too much.
I was also on a field trip today to Yellow Creek park. It was a lot of fun as well. I took a test that allowed me to opt out of my final so now I only have one final to worry about and that is on monday. and a paper as well. we went on a nature hike and I learned about different plants and had to write a poem which I might put on my web page i'm not quite sure yet. I'm very happy that my school year is pretty much over. Its seemingly ending on a digestable note as well. I still have a lot of tasks to do such as finding a place to live for next year. I was told to look into essex house which I may do tommarow.
As for now I'm trying to decide what I'm going to do toinght Sami J is having a Party, I think sarah wants me to party with her which I'm thinking sounds great but i need a nap. Another possibility is for me to go uptown. Well i'm going to get myself a shower and rest and then party.

7:58 PM

Thursday, April 24, 2003  
I've had a long discussion with Zach today about a lot of things have have transpired over the years b3etween us. It was something that needed to be done between us. Almost like a final cumulation of everything. I'm glad it did and I will miss him even though we anoy the hell out of each other. I'm pretty drunk right now. Which is okay I guess. I miss people for the most part. I'm feeling kinda lonley and I am needing something but i'm not sure what. Probably friends and lot of social interaction. It is always something I crave and i'm seriously hoping that It comes to me very soon. It's almost more than a craving but almost a calling. I'm glad and sad that this school year is comming to an end. I only hope that my future has something good in store for me. Maybe I'll just get a shower and sit in there for a while. That usually makes me feel a little better. Shrugs... I just hope that things start to get better soon. I'm really hoping for a lot of social interactions and possibly a relationship this summer. My birthday is comming up soon and i'm interested to see what my dad has to do/ say about it. Probably nothing knowing him. I just need my own place with people I love. I crave Love in Life because it's something I feel that I rarely have.
7:53 PM

Wednesday, April 23, 2003  
Of course with only 6 days at iup for the rest of the semester I would start having all these relationship opportunities happen. I have had a lot of people hit on me lately and It feels really good because I have been kinda down on myself lately. I'm excited that school is comming to an end, I want to be back in pgh so badly. I'm hoping that my summer goes well with lost of friend and fun. Who knows maybe I'll find a boyfriend soon. :) Anywhey I'm going to work on my new web page a little bit adn then go to bed.
10:27 PM

Saturday, April 19, 2003  
AIM is a funny thing, especially when you have reached your maximum buddy list number. You find someone else with an instant messager name and you have a few options; type in thier name each time you want to talk to them, create a new nick name for yourself or the third, which is my personal favorite. You have to open up your editing list to decide which one of the 200 people on your list you dont talk to anymore. However, if you still talk to all 200 of them then your task is not as simple, you have to decide who is least worthy of being on your list. It is an interesting process which tells you alot about your personality and your friendship with other people. If your like me, you dont want to kick anyone off your list and have a very difficult time, it usually comes down to people who have multiple screen names and me deleteing some of the extras. The point of this story.... AOL needs to increase the size of the buddy list!!!!!
5:06 PM

tonight i ended up at a party and had a fun time. I plasyed beer pong for the first time and did really well with it. I also met a girl who was really kewl. I got home and there was a message from ryan that siad "anymore?" and thats all I saw before instant messanger crashed and I lost it. It makes me nervous because I have a feeling that someone I went on a date with likes him, and I dont know if ryan is all about me. I like ryan and think he has a great personality and I really want to persue things. I needed the activities at the party tonight because they made me feel good about myself. Chuck is comming down tommarow to fix my car with my uncle. Hes more a father then my biological one is. I cant wait till hes out of my life. I guess i'm going to go lay down in bed and listen to some music.
1:15 AM

Friday, April 18, 2003  
I'm watching charmed right now and trying to make sense of everything from last night. I dont understand why I'm so confused and upset lately. These are issues that I always have inside me yet never really let come to the surface and something last night brought them out. I guess I dont feel like I have a reason to take care of myself given my present surroundings which is something i shouldn't have thought. I can have a life here I just choose not to for some reason. I definately need to make changes and improvements in my life I'm just not sure I know how. Friend are the most important thing in my life but what do I do when I feel like I cant relate to people here and they cant understand me and vise versa. Should I try harder to extend myself or just search harder for something which seems to be a needle in a hay stack. If anyone has any thoughts Please let me know. I'm an emotional wreck right now.
12:14 PM

I have more issues than time magazine apparently. I also like to hide them, weather I do it well or not I'm not sure. I dont even know what they are fully myself. I'm very hurt and alone in life right now which makes me incredibly sad. I dont know why I have all this anger. I dont know if there is anything I can do about it. I constantly rely on other people to "wake me up inside" I just dont know how to do it myself. I put more stress on myself and I'm extreemly judgemental. I feel completely alone and not even in a crowded room anymore. I'm only happy when I have some type of mass destruction of myself in my life from other people who claim to love me. I just dont know what to do anymore. How can I feel loved when I dont love myself?; I'm so confused and partially I try to blame it on my upbrining but I dont think thats entirely possible. I am so afraid to love or to be loved. I dont even think I know what that means sometimes. I have a poor self immage and I dont deserve half of what I get. Sometimes I have the ability to read people and then I compare it to myself, or the looking glass self. I just want somebody to hold me and love me or do I. The only people I actually have fallen for are the people who completely abuse me and use me but on some hidden level and manage to royally fuck with my head. Shrinks dont seem to help because for the most part I have more experiance then all of the ones I have seen combined. I cant belive that Ryan hit it on the head when he told me that I have had a CRAZY past. He also said that it has all been because of one person. It might be very closee to that, brandon had a huge impact and still does. I dont know what to do and i'm at such a loss. Part of me wants to run around and tell everyone I Know that I love them, part of me wants to run around and punch holes in the wall. I have learned to controll the agressive side so now I just keep it all inside. Nobody wants to see the bad side of a person. They only want the happy and as soon as your not a happy go lucky person anymore they dont want anything to do with you. So I put on this sharade. I'm having a moment right now which is why i am actually able to talk about this, not like anyone will actually read it. I'm just so lost. I feel loved... with ronnie, brandon, my freshman year with sarah, lurpy, and cory, and with dustan at cp. probably the closest that came to actually love was my freshman year and that seems to be gone. I just dont understand it. I have lost the ability to cry and get close to anyone and it deeply desturbs me. People try to break through my shell but unless you abuse me you dont crack it. I'm a glutton for punishment in more ways than I myself know. I hate that I just want things to be simple and for me to have a heart. I know it's there deep inside but i just wish more people had the key and that it wasn't locked. Summer is approaching and i'm at a loss for whats going to happen. I'll be back in pgh for for a 4th time it'll be like starting my life over. I'm extreemly unahppy with my life right now and unless your a special person I dont think most people would see that. I would say I'm going to cry myself to sleep now, but I forgot how to....
12:39 AM

Thursday, April 17, 2003  
music - jet set - island of dreams Mood - anxious

I'm getting ready to go to pegs with mark and we are supposed to leave in about 30 mins but of course I havn't heard from him. Hes really bad with timing so maybe I still will. I'm not sure if I fully feel like going to pegs tonight because I dont have any money and all of my clothes are dirty. I need some new fun clothes to wear. School is really boiling down to the end and I have a long list of shit I need to get done. I still dont have a place to live or a job for the summer. I'm also pissed off at my dad. I cant wait untill I dont have this car anymore and I have another one so that I can finally be rid of him. He is the same old person and I just dont like him. Maybe I'm a bit judgemental. Part of me just wants to go do something with sarah tonight. I havn't seen heidi in a while and I wont be able to see her on my birthday which is part of the reason I want to go to pegs tonight. Well he just called so I need to get my ass in gear!

5:57 PM

Friday, April 04, 2003  
Music - At the end (iio) Mood - slumish

Well I'm heading out to a few different parties for the night but somehow the excitement exscapes me. I have recently come to realize that i'm longing for something random and fun. I'm not happy unless my life is in a controlled chaos. It's such a love hate relationship but it's vital. 3 more weeks untill I'm out of this hell hole for the year but I realized that If I get this internship over the summer I dont know how much I can go out because if I ride into work with my uncle I will have to get up at 6 am. Not my style. Speaking of style whenever I'm down it always makes this girl feel a little better to go out and buy some nice clothes, unfortunately my cash flow is squandered and I'm living off of the quarters I find laying the the middle of the road. Such is life I guess. I'm excited because sam comes home in another 2 weeks. I hope that things pick up where they were left off. I miss him and he's a great guy. Everyone in pgh makes me happy. I'm just hoping for a wonderful summer and to finish school off with a bang. Sarah is due to come home shortly, thats a nice treat. I need have the need that everyone has, the need to feel wanted. Its so hard to stimulate me when I'm at school. Sometimes it's just hard to stimulate me period. I feel like it's trying to draw blood from an emotional calus. Well, I should wrap this up so I can get going. Try to salvage another friday night at IUP. Sometimes I dont know if the big wall of suburbia was built to keep us in or them out.

6:48 PM

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